Jeremiah Deacosta Oblanca,
I really really really wanted so bad to give up on you already since you already let me go and left me battling on my own. But I just don't get why I'm still here on this same shit trying hard to figure what's in your head when I pretty much know you wouldn't give a fart about it. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes to get a good grasp of what I missed and what I had to do just to let go as quickly like you did to me.
I'm still looking back on the last few days of our relationship trying to look for signs of trouble. I remembered the dinner at McDonald's when you hailed a cab for me to go to work and I was about to kissed you but your lips barely brushed mine. And I also remembered when I waited with you at the bus stop for you to travel safely and you never even gave me a kiss. I remembered screaming foolishly about the weekly laundry we had to do on the weekend. I was still a happy girl then. I was still full of life. I did not mind the hints you're giving. I had no idea you're already that disgusted with me. That was the last day I was happy. You said you'd go home at a said date and time but you didn't. No texts. No calls. I was beginning to get worried if you died while on your way home or if your phone got snatched. I was frustrated and started getting mad. I started cussing because I felt so ignored like I was not the top priority (which was your fault because you spoiled me too much). I admit that all the words I said were way below the belt but I was just angry. And when a person's angry, words just come out of the bitter pits of one's soul but they never actually mean a thing. They're just a way for a release on a built up stress. When you went home, I was still raving mad about how you ignored me that I had to pull your hair to make you feel how hurt I am. And you paid back in kind and more.
Why did you do it? How did you do it? What made you tell it's love and not just some lust available on a 24/7 convenience store? You fucked her when we were still happy. What did you do? I know I contributed to it but was your action justifiable? Did you get your sweet justice? On the 13th of June, she had no idea how she stole my smile away. You had no conscience. I don't get where exactly I went wrong that you had to do it. And if you are thinking of me when you did it, why didn't you stop? (And I'm crying here again because I'd rather solve a math problem than solve your fucked up attitude)
Six years and two months all wasted in just one night of selfishness. If that weekend did not happen, would you tell me otherwise about how you screwed her and the times we had together? You keep turning the tables on me when the bottomline is, you screwed everything when you screwed her. Me, Maxx, our six years...all because you're being an asshole. I remember how grand and how high you regarded me. I remember how you placed me in your pedestal and became the master of your universe. I became your goddess. I remember how you worshipped me. I remember the promises of forever. I remember it and tasted it in my bruises, I felt it when you cussed me. You made me feel the purest of pain that night. All the good times, all the forevers, all the love, I felt it all in the cuts and bruises and wounds you gave me. And I still wonder if you ever felt the guilt or if you had your satisfaction. Did it give you the justice you so felt you deserved? I remember the couple rings, the couple shirts, the travel and wedding plans, the jokes, the efforts. I remember waiting outside the building for you just to support you in the interview. I remember praying your name earnestly on all the saints for you to get the job. I remember asking for help from my mother (who you said was also a bitch like me) so that you can go to work. I remember defending you from my friends. I remember leaving the warm comforts of my apartment to be with you. I remember me being with you when your family left you. I remember the trust I gave when you told me about the daughter you never knew existed until recently. I remember forgiving you. I remember the love I gave you. I remember the first night I gave myself to you because I was so sure you're the one. I remember the day when I almost left you but then I decided not to because you were worth staying and I know you needed me. I stayed. Now, I'm not sure what was running in your head or if you remembered how you love me too when you were doing the in-out with her. Did you?
I wanted to slap you hard in the face. I wanted to see you scream and beg for me too. I wanted so bad for you to feel the hurt I'm feeling too. I don't wish for physical pain or illness or financial pain for you. I just wanted you to feel the same pain that I bear. But life is never fair. I ended up praying that I may forget everything and just stop caring and forgiving you eventually. Do you honestly think you deserve what you have right now? She doesn't have any idea, not a single clue at all, and if you really love her just like what you're claiming, does she also deserve you lying? She has a son. She needs someone to be a father to her son. I know you too well not to be that. Or maybe you've changed. I don't know anymore.
If we were on the same ground just like what you told me, then I'm the Dark Knight. We're over and you still manage to lie. I'm not sure though if you lie to her or to me. I'm not sure anymore. You're with her and you ask me to wait and wait I'll do. But I will not be forever at your bidding hun. Someday, I'll just fade away. Right now, I'm just loving you from afar. Watching you smile as she takes my place. But she can never be me. She'll never be me. I guess she will never ever do what I dared and conquered to do for you. I hope you'd realize that.
I'm really tired of battling. We're over I know. But six years! Six years was never enough for you and I had to show you that you made the wrong move. Well, I know you know you did the wrong move. It was me that you've wronged to so I really find it hard to swallow why you're trying to correct everything with her. I don't know you anymore. Where is that gentle soul I met years before? You've been defeated by your demons. I'm trying to save you but you just let yourself drown there. You could have easily corrected everything when it was still too early but you didn't. You left. You let me go. And still here I am reaching out my hand, trying to get a hold of you, fighting for what its worth, because I see you, I see through you. I believe I know you more than you know yourself. I memorized the lines of your soul pretty well. That's why I'm still here. But seriously I'm getting tired because you're not being brave enough to hear that little voice inside you. You keep on ignoring that voice. You keep on ignoring me. And you continue basking in that temporary happiness. What will I ever do to make you wake up before it's too late? You don't need to apologize. The cuts and bruises heal. I could forget the words and the actions you said and did that night. My heart understands you because I love you. But what exactly is love to you? Why did you turn your back away from me? What did you see in her? I have so many questions. I have so many confusions. I am in a perpetual night, trying to get a hold of the only light I know. Would you be able to shine for me? I don't know anymore.
I'm just tired. And hurt. And dead. I want to hurl at you, scream at you, blame you for my heart's death but then after that, in the end, I'd still want to make love to you and embrace you much tighter and never ever let you go and I'd believe you again and I'd trust you again. And I don't care how many times we'll do this drama. My heart only sees you. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to...I don't know. I just want to go away and forget. If only I could go back in time and erase the six years, I would do it so that it won't be hard for me. I am fighting for a lost cause you see. I'm fighting for someone who already gave up on me. Logically, there is no absolute sense in what I'm doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe in love. No matter how stupid it sounds. I hope one day you could explain EVERYTHING to me. This confusion, my death, my sins toward you, did it guarantee your satisfaction? Was it justified? Did I paid the price?
Sometimes, I just want to shut the whole world down, curl up in my perpetual night, cry a river, stop feeling, then die. I wish getting a new life was that easy just like what you're doing. I wish badly for it. I'm stuck in these memories, trying to figure out the truth from the lies, and if forever was really not that long. I wish you knew. I wish you'd feel what I feel too. Maybe by then you'd understand me, the way I understood you.
By the time you've read this, I'm dying another death again. I don't know when I can keep up with this but I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, I'm just tired. Fighting for you when you're not fighting for me. So much for stupidity and bravery. So much for love. Do you know love?
Loving by the Terrace,
Lyra
7759 L.Facundo cor. Santuico St., Brgy. Pio Del Pilar, Makati City
07252012
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