my birthday

On the 20th of this month, I will turn 25.

Months ago, I have planned to spend it with him in an out-of-town trip for just the two of us (I always always love our "alone" time together where we could just forget the world). I also had in mind getting myself a post-paid Iphone since I was under the impression that this is a year of good luck for me and for him since it has our birthdays--20 and 12. Who would have thought that life would bring me to a sudden drop downhill?

Now that he's gone, I really don't see any point in celebrating my birthday. I could offer a prayer and thank God for this new year but my heart would still ache. Last year, he was with me and he gave me my favorite perfume as his gift. Now, he is with someone else and I am in my misery. If God could give me a gift on my birthday, that would be to heal my heart and give what He thinks is really for me. The spirit of celebration left me ever since. Love left me. Life killed the dream I dream (insert Fantine's song).

Now, I don't really have any plans at all for my birthday. I am not seeing any sense in celebrating it when my heart is not with me. I don't want to fake a party because at the end of the day, I would still end up crying. Five years ago, I had prayed for him to realize things and come back to me. I am praying for that same prayer again. Why does it have to happen always on my birthday? If he doesn't come back, I pray for the reason why I had to go through this. I pray for the right one to come and save me. That would make a complete U-turn on my nostalgic state. I pray for happiness. I want to feel love again. The freedom that I have right now is like a prison cell. I am not happy about it. Probably because I am not near my friends and family who would take care of me. I don't know. I'm just sad. I was born here for a reason. I thought I found it with Jeremiah. I really thought we'd last... Now I don't know any reason, any cause why I'm here. It's like I'm floating endlessly in the darkness with no floor to step on and I'm hanging by faith that someone will hear my voice, leads him to me, and brings me home.

Whoever you are, you're my only hope. I pray hard to God that He'll make you His gift for me on my birthday. I'm not a good person, I know I don't deserve good things, but I know He loves me. I pray for Him to hear me. Someday, somewhere, when the time will come that I can smile again.


Advance Happy Birthday to me. :(