mantra

i will TRY VERY HARD not to think about you or about her.
I will not google your name anymore and search for clues if you'll come back.
I will PUSH myself on not giving a single fuck about your whereabouts.
I will be fair to myself and stop this misery.
this time, I WILL THINK ABOUT MYSELF MORE than about you knowing that no matter how much I do, you won't. :(

my birthday

On the 20th of this month, I will turn 25.

Months ago, I have planned to spend it with him in an out-of-town trip for just the two of us (I always always love our "alone" time together where we could just forget the world). I also had in mind getting myself a post-paid Iphone since I was under the impression that this is a year of good luck for me and for him since it has our birthdays--20 and 12. Who would have thought that life would bring me to a sudden drop downhill?

Now that he's gone, I really don't see any point in celebrating my birthday. I could offer a prayer and thank God for this new year but my heart would still ache. Last year, he was with me and he gave me my favorite perfume as his gift. Now, he is with someone else and I am in my misery. If God could give me a gift on my birthday, that would be to heal my heart and give what He thinks is really for me. The spirit of celebration left me ever since. Love left me. Life killed the dream I dream (insert Fantine's song).

Now, I don't really have any plans at all for my birthday. I am not seeing any sense in celebrating it when my heart is not with me. I don't want to fake a party because at the end of the day, I would still end up crying. Five years ago, I had prayed for him to realize things and come back to me. I am praying for that same prayer again. Why does it have to happen always on my birthday? If he doesn't come back, I pray for the reason why I had to go through this. I pray for the right one to come and save me. That would make a complete U-turn on my nostalgic state. I pray for happiness. I want to feel love again. The freedom that I have right now is like a prison cell. I am not happy about it. Probably because I am not near my friends and family who would take care of me. I don't know. I'm just sad. I was born here for a reason. I thought I found it with Jeremiah. I really thought we'd last... Now I don't know any reason, any cause why I'm here. It's like I'm floating endlessly in the darkness with no floor to step on and I'm hanging by faith that someone will hear my voice, leads him to me, and brings me home.

Whoever you are, you're my only hope. I pray hard to God that He'll make you His gift for me on my birthday. I'm not a good person, I know I don't deserve good things, but I know He loves me. I pray for Him to hear me. Someday, somewhere, when the time will come that I can smile again.


Advance Happy Birthday to me. :(

I Dreamed a Dream

I have been listening to this song ever since the rainy days started literally and figuratively. I just felt like I was Fantine. I had loved and was left alone, lifeless, penniless, jobless, and without family and friends nearby. I had been singing this while looking sadly at my terrace while the rain pours. I am trying to immitate Fantine. Hahaha!

[Fantine is left alone, unemployed and destitute]

[FANTINE]
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

;(

once...

once upon a time, there was that smile
that's so infectious and can go for a mile,
a smile that holds the love-- unconditional and true,
a smile that has a reason and the reason was you.

there was a time when the starless sky still shine,
that was the time when i still knew you're mine.
there was a time when words are spoken like a song,
i never knew then that that time won't last long.

once in my life, i have loved wrong.
i pray for happiness then you came along.
you reached for my hand and let me out of my shell
and i started dreaming which didn't end well.

once there was an oath, a promise bound by a ring,
a walk to infinity with love as our everything.
there were ups and downs, tears for joy and pain
never had a clue that in our summer, it will rain.

now here i am lamenting near the grave of hopes and dreams,
trying to get a grasp for nothing;s what it seems,
and in that same place, i'd kneel again and pray,
for my heart to stop beating for love's great dismay.

i pray now for a lasting time when i can have that smile,
a time to make all these tears i shed worthwhile.
i pray for that time that i'd forever be happy too,
a time for someone to break my infinity, a time for love so true.

Eloisa To Abelard by Alexander Pope (a poem that fits my state)

Eloisa to Abelard

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.
Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.
Relentless walls! whose darksome round contains
Repentant sighs, and voluntary pains:
Ye rugged rocks! which holy knees have worn;
Ye grots and caverns shagg'd with horrid thorn!
Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey'd virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov'd, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.
All is not Heav'n's while Abelard has part,
Still rebel nature holds out half my heart;
Nor pray'rs nor fasts its stubborn pulse restrain,
Nor tears, for ages, taught to flow in vain.
Soon as thy letters trembling I unclose,
That well-known name awakens all my woes.
Oh name for ever sad! for ever dear!
Still breath'd in sighs, still usher'd with a tear.
I tremble too, where'er my own I find,
Some dire misfortune follows close behind.
Line after line my gushing eyes o'erflow,
Led through a sad variety of woe:
Now warm in love, now with'ring in thy bloom,
Lost in a convent's solitary gloom!
There stern religion quench'd th' unwilling flame,
There died the best of passions, love and fame.
Yet write, oh write me all, that I may join
Griefs to thy griefs, and echo sighs to thine.
Nor foes nor fortune take this pow'r away;
And is my Abelard less kind than they?
Tears still are mine, and those I need not spare,
Love but demands what else were shed in pray'r;
No happier task these faded eyes pursue;
To read and weep is all they now can do.
Then share thy pain, allow that sad relief;
Ah, more than share it! give me all thy grief.
Heav'n first taught letters for some wretch's aid,
Some banish'd lover, or some captive maid;
They live, they speak, they breathe what love inspires,
Warm from the soul, and faithful to its fires,
The virgin's wish without her fears impart,
Excuse the blush, and pour out all the heart,
Speed the soft intercourse from soul to soul,
And waft a sigh from Indus to the Pole.
Thou know'st how guiltless first I met thy flame,
When Love approach'd me under Friendship's name;
My fancy form'd thee of angelic kind,
Some emanation of th' all-beauteous Mind.
Those smiling eyes, attemp'ring ev'ry day,
Shone sweetly lambent with celestial day.
Guiltless I gaz'd; heav'n listen'd while you sung;
And truths divine came mended from that tongue.
From lips like those what precept fail'd to move?
Too soon they taught me 'twas no sin to love.
Back through the paths of pleasing sense I ran,
Nor wish'd an Angel whom I lov'd a Man.
Dim and remote the joys of saints I see;
Nor envy them, that heav'n I lose for thee.
How oft, when press'd to marriage, have I said,
Curse on all laws but those which love has made!
Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies,
Let wealth, let honour, wait the wedded dame,
August her deed, and sacred be her fame;
Before true passion all those views remove,
Fame, wealth, and honour! what are you to Love?
The jealous God, when we profane his fires,
Those restless passions in revenge inspires;
And bids them make mistaken mortals groan,
Who seek in love for aught but love alone.
Should at my feet the world's great master fall,
Himself, his throne, his world, I'd scorn 'em all:
Not Caesar's empress would I deign to prove;
No, make me mistress to the man I love;
If there be yet another name more free,
More fond than mistress, make me that to thee!
Oh happy state! when souls each other draw,
When love is liberty, and nature, law:
All then is full, possessing, and possess'd,
No craving void left aching in the breast:
Ev'n thought meets thought, ere from the lips it part,
And each warm wish springs mutual from the heart.
This sure is bliss (if bliss on earth there be)
And once the lot of Abelard and me.
Alas, how chang'd! what sudden horrors rise!
A naked lover bound and bleeding lies!
Where, where was Eloise? her voice, her hand,
Her poniard, had oppos'd the dire command.
Barbarian, stay! that bloody stroke restrain;
The crime was common, common be the pain.
I can no more; by shame, by rage suppress'd,
Let tears, and burning blushes speak the rest.
Canst thou forget that sad, that solemn day,
When victims at yon altar's foot we lay?
Canst thou forget what tears that moment fell,
When, warm in youth, I bade the world farewell?
As with cold lips I kiss'd the sacred veil,
The shrines all trembl'd, and the lamps grew pale:
Heav'n scarce believ'd the conquest it survey'd,
And saints with wonder heard the vows I made.
Yet then, to those dread altars as I drew,
Not on the Cross my eyes were fix'd, but you:
Not grace, or zeal, love only was my call,
And if I lose thy love, I lose my all.
Come! with thy looks, thy words, relieve my woe;
Those still at least are left thee to bestow.
Still on that breast enamour'd let me lie,
Still drink delicious poison from thy eye,
Pant on thy lip, and to thy heart be press'd;
Give all thou canst — and let me dream the rest.
Ah no! instruct me other joys to prize,
With other beauties charm my partial eyes,
Full in my view set all the bright abode,
And make my soul quit Abelard for God.
Ah, think at least thy flock deserves thy care,
Plants of thy hand, and children of thy pray'r.
From the false world in early youth they fled,
By thee to mountains, wilds, and deserts led.
You rais'd these hallow'd walls; the desert smil'd,
And Paradise was open'd in the wild.
No weeping orphan saw his father's stores
Our shrines irradiate, or emblaze the floors;
No silver saints, by dying misers giv'n,
Here brib'd the rage of ill-requited heav'n:
But such plain roofs as piety could raise,
And only vocal with the Maker's praise.
In these lone walls (their days eternal bound)
These moss-grown domes with spiry turrets crown'd,
Where awful arches make a noonday night,
And the dim windows shed a solemn light;
Thy eyes diffus'd a reconciling ray,
And gleams of glory brighten'd all the day.
But now no face divine contentment wears,
'Tis all blank sadness, or continual tears.
See how the force of others' pray'rs I try,
(O pious fraud of am'rous charity!)
But why should I on others' pray'rs depend?
Come thou, my father, brother, husband, friend!
Ah let thy handmaid, sister, daughter move,
And all those tender names in one, thy love!
The darksome pines that o'er yon rocks reclin'd
Wave high, and murmur to the hollow wind,
The wand'ring streams that shine between the hills,
The grots that echo to the tinkling rills,
The dying gales that pant upon the trees,
The lakes that quiver to the curling breeze;
No more these scenes my meditation aid,
Or lull to rest the visionary maid.
But o'er the twilight groves and dusky caves,
Long-sounding aisles, and intermingled graves,
Black Melancholy sits, and round her throws
A death-like silence, and a dread repose:
Her gloomy presence saddens all the scene,
Shades ev'ry flow'r, and darkens ev'ry green,
Deepens the murmur of the falling floods,
And breathes a browner horror on the woods.
Yet here for ever, ever must I stay;
Sad proof how well a lover can obey!
Death, only death, can break the lasting chain;
And here, ev'n then, shall my cold dust remain,
Here all its frailties, all its flames resign,
And wait till 'tis no sin to mix with thine.
Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.
Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.
For thee the fates, severely kind, ordain
A cool suspense from pleasure and from pain;
Thy life a long, dead calm of fix'd repose;
No pulse that riots, and no blood that glows.
Still as the sea, ere winds were taught to blow,
Or moving spirit bade the waters flow;
Soft as the slumbers of a saint forgiv'n,
And mild as opening gleams of promis'd heav'n.
Come, Abelard! for what hast thou to dread?
The torch of Venus burns not for the dead.
Nature stands check'd; Religion disapproves;
Ev'n thou art cold — yet Eloisa loves.
Ah hopeless, lasting flames! like those that burn
To light the dead, and warm th' unfruitful urn.
What scenes appear where'er I turn my view?
The dear ideas, where I fly, pursue,
Rise in the grove, before the altar rise,
Stain all my soul, and wanton in my eyes.
I waste the matin lamp in sighs for thee,
Thy image steals between my God and me,
Thy voice I seem in ev'ry hymn to hear,
With ev'ry bead I drop too soft a tear.
When from the censer clouds of fragrance roll,
And swelling organs lift the rising soul,
One thought of thee puts all the pomp to flight,
Priests, tapers, temples, swim before my sight:
In seas of flame my plunging soul is drown'd,
While altars blaze, and angels tremble round.
While prostrate here in humble grief I lie,
Kind, virtuous drops just gath'ring in my eye,
While praying, trembling, in the dust I roll,
And dawning grace is op'ning on my soul:
Come, if thou dar'st, all charming as thou art!
Oppose thyself to Heav'n; dispute my heart;
Come, with one glance of those deluding eyes
Blot out each bright idea of the skies;
Take back that grace, those sorrows, and those tears;
Take back my fruitless penitence and pray'rs;
Snatch me, just mounting, from the blest abode;
Assist the fiends, and tear me from my God!
No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole;
Rise Alps between us! and whole oceans roll!
Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me,
Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee.
Thy oaths I quit, thy memory resign;
Forget, renounce me, hate whate'er was mine.
Fair eyes, and tempting looks (which yet I view!)
Long lov'd, ador'd ideas, all adieu!
Oh Grace serene! oh virtue heav'nly fair!
Divine oblivion of low-thoughted care!
Fresh blooming hope, gay daughter of the sky!
And faith, our early immortality!
Enter, each mild, each amicable guest;
Receive, and wrap me in eternal rest!
See in her cell sad Eloisa spread,
Propp'd on some tomb, a neighbour of the dead.
In each low wind methinks a spirit calls,
And more than echoes talk along the walls.
Here, as I watch'd the dying lamps around,
From yonder shrine I heard a hollow sound.
"Come, sister, come!" (it said, or seem'd to say)
"Thy place is here, sad sister, come away!
Once like thyself, I trembled, wept, and pray'd,
Love's victim then, though now a sainted maid:
But all is calm in this eternal sleep;
Here grief forgets to groan, and love to weep,
Ev'n superstition loses ev'ry fear:
For God, not man, absolves our frailties here."
I come, I come! prepare your roseate bow'rs,
Celestial palms, and ever-blooming flow'rs.
Thither, where sinners may have rest, I go,
Where flames refin'd in breasts seraphic glow:
Thou, Abelard! the last sad office pay,
And smooth my passage to the realms of day;
See my lips tremble, and my eye-balls roll,
Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul!
Ah no — in sacred vestments may'st thou stand,
The hallow'd taper trembling in thy hand,
Present the cross before my lifted eye,
Teach me at once, and learn of me to die.
Ah then, thy once-lov'd Eloisa see!
It will be then no crime to gaze on me.
See from my cheek the transient roses fly!
See the last sparkle languish in my eye!
Till ev'ry motion, pulse, and breath be o'er;
And ev'n my Abelard be lov'd no more.
O Death all-eloquent! you only prove
What dust we dote on, when 'tis man we love.
Then too, when fate shall thy fair frame destroy,
(That cause of all my guilt, and all my joy)
In trance ecstatic may thy pangs be drown'd,
Bright clouds descend, and angels watch thee round,
From op'ning skies may streaming glories shine,
And saints embrace thee with a love like mine.
May one kind grave unite each hapless name,
And graft my love immortal on thy fame!
Then, ages hence, when all my woes are o'er,
When this rebellious heart shall beat no more;
If ever chance two wand'ring lovers brings
To Paraclete's white walls and silver springs,
O'er the pale marble shall they join their heads,
And drink the falling tears each other sheds;
Then sadly say, with mutual pity mov'd,
"Oh may we never love as these have lov'd!"
From the full choir when loud Hosannas rise,
And swell the pomp of dreadful sacrifice,
Amid that scene if some relenting eye
Glance on the stone where our cold relics lie,
Devotion's self shall steal a thought from Heav'n,
One human tear shall drop and be forgiv'n.
And sure, if fate some future bard shall join
In sad similitude of griefs to mine,
Condemn'd whole years in absence to deplore,
And image charms he must behold no more;
Such if there be, who loves so long, so well;
Let him our sad, our tender story tell;
The well-sung woes will soothe my pensive ghost;
He best can paint 'em, who shall feel 'em most.

post break up battle

Jeremiah Deacosta Oblanca,

I really really really wanted so bad to give up on you already since you already let me go and left me battling on my own. But I just don't get why I'm still here on this same shit trying hard to figure what's in your head when I pretty much know you wouldn't give a fart about it. I'm trying to put myself in your shoes to get a good grasp of what I missed and what I had to do just to let go as quickly like you did to me.

I'm still looking back on the last few days of our relationship trying to look for signs of trouble. I remembered the dinner at McDonald's when you hailed a cab for me to go to work and I was about to kissed you but your lips barely brushed mine. And I also remembered when I waited with you at the bus stop for you to travel safely and you never even gave me a kiss. I remembered screaming foolishly about the weekly laundry we had to do on the weekend. I was still a happy girl then. I was still full of life. I did not mind the hints you're giving. I had no idea you're already that disgusted with me. That was the last day I was happy. You said you'd go home at a said date and time but you didn't. No texts. No calls. I was beginning to get worried if you died while on your way home or if your phone got snatched. I was frustrated and started getting mad. I started cussing because I felt so ignored like I was not the top priority (which was your fault because you spoiled me too much). I admit that all the words I said were way below the belt but I was just angry. And when a person's angry, words just come out of the bitter pits of one's soul but they never actually mean a thing. They're just a way for a release on a built up stress. When you went home, I was still raving mad about how you ignored me that I had to pull your hair to make you feel how hurt I am. And you paid back in kind and more.

Why did you do it? How did you do it? What made you tell it's love and not just some lust available on a 24/7 convenience store? You fucked her when we were still happy. What did you do? I know I contributed to it but was your action justifiable? Did you get your sweet justice? On the 13th of June, she had no idea how she stole my smile away. You had no conscience. I don't get where exactly I went wrong that you had to do it. And if you are thinking of me when you did it, why didn't you stop? (And I'm crying here again because I'd rather solve a math problem than solve your fucked up attitude)

Six years and two months all wasted in just one night of selfishness. If that weekend did not happen, would you tell me otherwise about how you screwed her and the times we had together? You keep turning the tables on me when the bottomline is, you screwed everything when you screwed her. Me, Maxx, our six years...all because you're being an asshole. I remember how grand and how high you regarded me. I remember how you placed me in your pedestal and became the master of your universe. I became your goddess. I remember how you worshipped me. I remember the promises of forever. I remember it and tasted it in my bruises, I felt it when you cussed me. You made me feel the purest of pain that night. All the good times, all the forevers, all the love, I felt it all in the cuts and bruises and wounds you gave me. And I still wonder if you ever felt the guilt or if you had your satisfaction. Did it give you the justice you so felt you deserved? I remember the couple rings, the couple shirts, the travel and wedding plans, the jokes, the efforts. I remember waiting outside the building for you just to support you in the interview. I remember praying your name earnestly on all the saints for you to get the job. I remember asking for help from my mother (who you said was also a bitch like me) so that you can go to work. I remember defending you from my friends. I remember leaving the warm comforts of my apartment to be with you. I remember me being with you when your family left you. I remember the trust I gave when you told me about the daughter you never knew existed until recently. I remember forgiving you. I remember the love I gave you. I remember the first night I gave myself to you because I was so sure you're the one. I remember the day when I almost left you but then I decided not to because you were worth staying and I know you needed me. I stayed. Now, I'm not sure what was running in your head or if you remembered how you love me too when you were doing the in-out with her. Did you?

I wanted to slap you hard in the face. I wanted to see you scream and beg for me too. I wanted so bad for you to feel the hurt I'm feeling too. I don't wish for physical pain or illness or financial pain for you. I just wanted you to feel the same pain that I bear. But life is never fair. I ended up praying that I may forget everything and just stop caring and forgiving you eventually. Do you honestly think you deserve what you have right now? She doesn't have any idea, not a single clue at all, and if you really love her just like what you're claiming, does she also deserve you lying? She has a son. She needs someone to be a father to her son. I know you too well not to be that. Or maybe you've changed. I don't know anymore.

If we were on the same ground just like what you told me, then I'm the Dark Knight. We're over and you still manage to lie. I'm not sure though if you lie to her or to me. I'm not sure anymore. You're with her and you ask me to wait and wait I'll do. But I will not be forever at your bidding hun. Someday, I'll just fade away. Right now, I'm just loving you from afar. Watching you smile as she takes my place. But she can never be me. She'll never be me. I guess she will never ever do what I dared and conquered to do for you. I hope you'd realize that.

I'm really tired of battling. We're over I know. But six years! Six years was never enough for you and I had to show you that you made the wrong move. Well, I know you know you did the wrong move. It was me that you've wronged to so I really find it hard to swallow why you're trying to correct everything with her. I don't know you anymore. Where is that gentle soul I met years before? You've been defeated by your demons. I'm trying to save you but you just let yourself drown there. You could have easily corrected everything when it was still too early but you didn't. You left. You let me go. And still here I am reaching out my hand, trying to get a hold of you, fighting for what its worth, because I see you, I see through you. I believe I know you more than you know yourself. I memorized the lines of your soul pretty well. That's why I'm still here. But seriously I'm getting tired because you're not being brave enough to hear that little voice inside you. You keep on ignoring that voice. You keep on ignoring me. And you continue basking in that temporary happiness. What will I ever do to make you wake up before it's too late? You don't need to apologize. The cuts and bruises heal. I could forget the words and the actions you said and did that night. My heart understands you because I love you. But what exactly is love to you? Why did you turn your back away from me? What did you see in her? I have so many questions. I have so many confusions. I am in a perpetual night, trying to get a hold of the only light I know. Would you be able to shine for me? I don't know anymore.

I'm just tired. And hurt. And dead. I want to hurl at you, scream at you, blame you for my heart's death but then after that, in the end, I'd still want to make love to you and embrace you much tighter and never ever let you go and I'd believe you again and I'd trust you again. And I don't care how many times we'll do this drama. My heart only sees you. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to...I don't know. I just want to go away and forget. If only I could go back in time and erase the six years, I would do it so that it won't be hard for me. I am fighting for a lost cause you see. I'm fighting for someone who already gave up on me. Logically, there is no absolute sense in what I'm doing. But I believe in miracles. I believe in love. No matter how stupid it sounds. I hope one day you could explain EVERYTHING to me. This confusion, my death, my sins toward you, did it guarantee your satisfaction? Was it justified? Did I paid the price?

Sometimes, I just want to shut the whole world down, curl up in my perpetual night, cry a river, stop feeling, then die. I wish getting a new life was that easy just like what you're doing. I wish badly for it. I'm stuck in these memories, trying to figure out the truth from the lies, and if forever was really not that long. I wish you knew. I wish you'd feel what I feel too. Maybe by then you'd understand me, the way I understood you.

By the time you've read this, I'm dying another death again. I don't know when I can keep up with this but I hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, I'm just tired. Fighting for you when you're not fighting for me. So much for stupidity and bravery. So much for love. Do you know love?


Loving by the Terrace,
Lyra
7759 L.Facundo cor. Santuico St., Brgy. Pio Del Pilar, Makati City
07252012

what's on your mind?

Dear Me,

You really wanted to have him regret and remorse over his loss on you that much do you? Your scumbag of a brain still has his face embossed, etched, marked, tattooed, glued, scarred, burnt on your memory that you still can't stop thinking about him no matter how much you wanted to since you really have to let go and move on. Your scumbag brain causes that hang up, cheered by your heart, supported by insomnia. You think that he really must have loved the girl since he managed to let go of the 6 year relationship he had with you and that the only cause of his guilt was the words and the actions he did to hurt you but he never regretted ever leaving you. However, you can't help but think that the reason he did it was because he was just pissed and that he needed to deviate and clear his head and that the girl was just temporary since that one was way lower than the standards you know that he wants. Plus his friends can testify that the girl was no good for him. Plus you know in his heart of hearts that he still feels the same way that you do and he's just sucking it all up. Now, these thoughts would forever swirl in your head making you unsure if you'd feel betrayed or happy. But the fact that he is not there when you wake up and that somebody else took your place in his heart, his room, his life, hurts so much you just want to curl in your bed and remain in the dark and ask why even if there are no answers given. You would stare on the wall and think things if you were in his shoes and worse, you'd research the internet for answers if he will feel regret, realize his loss, remorse of the love he missed, and come back. The internet would give you answers which gives you a temporary sight of hope but still, at the end of the day, it is still his answer and the sound of his voice that would matter. You keep figuring out the songs he sang during the last days of your relationship if there were any signs of him leaving, or returning, or regretting and coming back, and never doing it again. He is such an enigma. And you end up getting exasperated. You would feel tired but you just won't stop until you find the answers you're looking for. Or until he comes back and hushes you down. Or until someone else would come rescuing you from this inner demon that's eating you. Love understands which causes the purest of pain that's impossible but surprisingly bearable to bear. You tend to get used to these emotions. Pray and wait for something to change.

Six years Jeremiah. Why did you let it slip away? And why haven't you realized yet what loss I am to you? So that you can come back...

Yours,
I

letter

Jeremiah,

I'm still inlove with you. No matter how big of an asshole you are. It pains me to think that you must have love her enough to accept her total package and leave the years we've spent together. It's like i'm in Hostel--live. What's worse is that tears tend to freeze whenever they try to fall down on my cheeks and the my heart does the mourning. That's the worst kind of mourning. I guess I'd be like this until someone comes along. Someone who can teach me to forget everything about you. Someone who won't just sit down and let the world revolve around us. Someone who will control my demons and will love me and all that I'm worth of. You've done it once to me Jeremiah so I'm not losing hope that someone would also do the same and will stay consistent till infinity. Who knows? Probably it might be you. Or probably not. I just wish you'd realize what you lost and regret it big time and I wish by that time, I still haven't met that someone who would already know.

P.S.

Don't call me Lee. Call me by the name you forever wrote on your walls. Lyra. That's my name. And don't come running around with your guilt. If you come around, come around with a firm resolution of what you would really not give up. And I hope it would be me. I'm still hoping. Stupid. But hoping.

The Girl Who Can't Be Moved,
Lyra

sleep tight

hush now love and sleep still
nobody will know that we're here.
i'll keep you locked in a sweet lullaby
hush now love. i bid goodbye.

dwell no more on these sad tears
look what they did to you all these years
hush now love and be at peace
these wounds, their poison, sealed in your kiss.

these echoes of thoughts reverberating in your head
his memories and promises that made your eyes dead
hush that down love, i will shelter you
i will let you sleep and you'll wake up new.

love was never love with his made up truth
but love had lingered there in your twisted youth
hush hush now love, for now it's me who'll save
you've got to help yourself, you've got to be brave.

t'was love that made you lay all the cards down
and love it was that made me hush you now.
you've lost the battle and you've lostt the war
but you've fought the greatest fight by far.

hush now love and i'll lull you to sleep
rest your head and pray, don't weep.
a star is not a star without it's burning glow,
and diamonds are not made a day in a row.

hush now love and have faith still,
don't lose hope on a love that's real.
someone somewhere is looking for you too,
and by that time you'll be ready when he finally sees you.
:))


dear you,

I'll be watching Magic Mike later. It's a film about male strippers. I know I sound like a pervert but the reviews were good. My friends don't like the idea of watching it but they love me so they don't have a choice. I thank God for these people. They keep me company while I wait for you. Thank them someday too when you met them. They are the ones who helped me so that I won't do some crazy shit in my misery hahaha! I'll be brave for you.


getting used to it,
LeeLeePot

my second letter to my future

Dear you,

It's been almost a month now since I've lived half alive. Almost a month since he left me physically, verbally, and emotionally bruised. Almost a month since I've been weighing between anger and longing. Almost a month since I've started crying.

Today, I could say I'm getting used to this loneliness. I'm getting used to the grave where you left me. I'm getting used to the difficulty in breathing like you've lost half of your lungs. I'm getting used to the void inside me. My friends and family would try to make me laugh and I could say I could already do a few laughters with them too. I think I pretty much convinced that I'm okay. I am okay. Or maybe not. But everything right now is just a state of mind. I still couldn't find my way. I am still on my knees, praying to give me light. I always pray for God to lead me to a place where He intended me to be. I guess for now all I can do is pray and wait.

I could still feel the broken shards of my heart whenever I wake up and remember that no one is beside me but Maxx. I could still remember the details of your smile, the glow in your eyes, the softness of your hair, and your chubby cheeks. And then I would start to wonder if you are suffering the same pain as I am suffering every night before I sleep and at dawn when I wake up. And inasmuch as it would cheer me up thinking how much you regret your actions, I know you would not since you have someone with you. You will never feel the loneliness I'm feeling nor know the volume of tears I'm shedding. You're happy somewhere. It's quite unfair. And though I wanted to be happy since you're happy, the thought that I wasn't the reason for your smile is making me more miserable. I could see you all around me. But you will never see me. Every beat on my pulse would scream for you to come back and fill in the void that you caused when you left but I know you'll never hear it out. You'll never understand. Because you're happy. And I am not.


in misery,
Lee

a letter to my future

Dear You,

I don't know where you are. I don't know when you will come for me. But this I will tell you for sure, after the man I thought I'd marry broke my heart and my soul, I'm starting to pick the broken shards and I'll polish it clean and build it again for you. My heart will no longer be the nicest heart that you'll see and scars might be visible but this is all I am and I hope that you would take me and that the love you have for me can see it through.

If you only knew how wounded and defeated I am right now. If you only knew how much I wanted to be saved. But never fret love, I can save myself. You'll love me for it.

I pray for God's understanding on my anger. My heart was crushed, violated, stepped on, and murdered. My life was disrespected. But I will stand and I will love myself and I will show you how I've changed and you will love me for it.

I've already packed my things and moved to the new apartment where I'm at now. What's nice about my room is that it has its own terrace where I can do people-watching, I got a queen sized bed fit for a queen like me, I got a vanity mirror and God to heal my soul.

When you see me with all smiles and looking good and okay, don't hesitate to come forward and meet me. Though I will become strong and I will survive, I still need you. I have all the love here in my heart. I'll save it for you. Only for you.

Love,

Lyra