Dear you,
It's been almost a month now since I've lived half alive. Almost a month since he left me physically, verbally, and emotionally bruised. Almost a month since I've been weighing between anger and longing. Almost a month since I've started crying.
Today, I could say I'm getting used to this loneliness. I'm getting used to the grave where you left me. I'm getting used to the difficulty in breathing like you've lost half of your lungs. I'm getting used to the void inside me. My friends and family would try to make me laugh and I could say I could already do a few laughters with them too. I think I pretty much convinced that I'm okay. I am okay. Or maybe not. But everything right now is just a state of mind. I still couldn't find my way. I am still on my knees, praying to give me light. I always pray for God to lead me to a place where He intended me to be. I guess for now all I can do is pray and wait.
I could still feel the broken shards of my heart whenever I wake up and remember that no one is beside me but Maxx. I could still remember the details of your smile, the glow in your eyes, the softness of your hair, and your chubby cheeks. And then I would start to wonder if you are suffering the same pain as I am suffering every night before I sleep and at dawn when I wake up. And inasmuch as it would cheer me up thinking how much you regret your actions, I know you would not since you have someone with you. You will never feel the loneliness I'm feeling nor know the volume of tears I'm shedding. You're happy somewhere. It's quite unfair. And though I wanted to be happy since you're happy, the thought that I wasn't the reason for your smile is making me more miserable. I could see you all around me. But you will never see me. Every beat on my pulse would scream for you to come back and fill in the void that you caused when you left but I know you'll never hear it out. You'll never understand. Because you're happy. And I am not.
in misery,
Lee
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